Do you ever feel like saying 'I go wherever you go'? I wonder if that's really a good thing? To feel so committed, one can abandon all his plans to pursue a feeling. But then, isn't that the kind of feeling we search for our whole life?
Sometimes, people seem to think of love statements as a bit cliche. In fact, they are. I start to believe our whole life is made of repeating banalities. Until we come across certain circumstances, we tend to think some things do not concern us. By the end of the day, they do. We are all concerned when it comes to sacrifices, decisions and doubts. We cannot escape the current of life. We cannot escape loving and moments where someone else becomes the light of our universe.
These are the things that we learn to admit with the passing of time. Someone's love saves us from solitude and I believe we all need interactions. No matter how much loneliness one can bear and how much one values own freedom, there is a point where some encounters are just necessary to keep going. What I'd call a 'love encounter' reaches the majority of us and allows to understand the essence of life - when someone else fills the space in your heart and mind.
Of course that can lead to frustration. It is key to find balance between self-fulfillment and sacrifice. Still, an unquestionable beauty lays in the fact, we are ready to become so concentrated on another human being. This scheme - love bigger than anything else - has always existed and it seems to bring harmony to the world. It feels good to be part of this old, everlasting circle.
One of my spare times pleasures is browsing. For interviews and profiles, studio visits and opinions pieces. The market of indie press is flourishing, so one’s access to specific, themed information is even greater. I realise how many incredible people do exist.
Our humble lives will pass unnoticed and I’m not talking about people changing the course of history. I’m thinking of ordinary human beings, following their gut and passion, enchanted by simple, daily existence, appreciating life for mere opportunity to execute their own, small ventures. Once I thought: ‘it must be miserable without considerable achievements and awe’. I’ve completely reviewed my thinking, as I began to discern the beauty of common things. The freedom of freelancing, joy of writing, excitement when confronted with new projects. Grocery’s shopping and meeting my friends on Friday evenings, smoking cigarettes in the gardens of bistros and sharing carafes of wine.
I feel that happiness everyone’s pursuing lays in observation. Because it’s happening and it’s right next to us, but we refuse to see it. There are times our lives get complicated, we face problems difficult to solve, we lose things we love. Still, the permanence of true joys can be achieved via other people and not necessarily those closest to us.
When I read about a New York couple running their own design studio, while taking a stroll with their dog during lunch break, I lit. Similarly, as I get a chance to watch a short doc on an obscure architect explaining the concept behind his self-designed house somewhere in the middle of San Francisco, I’m amazed, because he’s living a good life filled with honesty and love for his profession, he was lucky enough to apply to his own surroundings. These people I find most inspiring and amidst my fear of ending up disappointed with myself, I realise, my own aspirations are quite simple. Isn’t it feasible to find my drive and follow it? Is there any indicator of success when your everyday living is motivated by exploration rather than material goals?
Although it’s probably not a general rule, I feel that the best comes to those who do not impatiently await it. Those who act and do and seek, until they find it, because their love of being on the road is way much greater than love of the final effect.
As I’m still trying to navigate through life, to pursue one’s path is probably easier than tracing it. I’m still not sure if my choices are right, but the quest for oneself appears as a great adventure when you come across examples of people, who took their time to find their way. And thoroughly enjoyed it.
The amount of time spent on thinking Is unmeasurable. It’s an accumulation of weeks, months or even years we spend on ruminating different aspects of life. I wonder: where is it all leading? Any conclusion I’m going to reach was probably already realised by the world, so shall I rather just enjoy things and avoid overthinking?
The thing is that without discovering all universal truths by yourself, one’s life shall never be complete. I need to worry about the possibility that 10 years from now on, I might be my greatest disappointment or won’t yet see the Caribbean. I need to consider the injustice that I’ll never be able to live all those potential lives I’ve always wanted to experience – from being a surfer girl in Byron Bay to a lonesome writer in an apartment in Le Marais. There are so many things I find unfair and terrifying, so many regrets I have though my life is just starting. I’m a bubble of frustration powered by long nights of pondering.
One reason why I know it’s a blessing in disguise is a hope, at the bottom of my heart, the whole process will let me arrive at a point when I fully embrace things that were given exclusively to me. My features, dreams and weaknesses. Long legs and messy hair. Impatience and ambition. I won’t reject the idea I deserve the best, because I will know I am not ideal, but I’m great. No, it’s not vanity that will take over me, rather, self-understanding. No matter where life takes us, it takes us as we are. No need to wonder – what am I doing here?
I am at the very beginning on my road to acceptance and self-love. Sometimes I even scold myself for being too preoccupied with my personality, as I might have exceeded all the limits of egoism. But in then, we need to leave with ourselves first after we try to step into realities of those around. Being at ease in your own skin is a prerequisite to truly bring out your own potential and form happy relationships. It’s a work in progress and it’s constructive. No deadlines required. Just consistency and thinking that’ll lead to right conclusions.
Falling asleep is my time of reckoning. In all its forms and facets. I often start with projections. Ideas of the future and things I wish for. These are not grand scenarios, but rather small things I hope to do. Like listening to my favourite music album the next day or going to a great exhibitions. It involves other people too. I dream of gestures and words I hope to come across.
At times, I recall certain moments. It's like building a collection of small, barely significant memories, still I assemble things I want to re-imagine. How do they look from all the angles? How did I feel about them then and how I see them now.
On some occasions, I simply look back. At old regrets and things I wish had happened. The inevitable sorrows lurk in the dark, but as I get older, I'm getting better at repelling the nonsense.
The end of the day is symbolic, so I dare to make bigger decisions. From tomorrow on, I will eat healthier. When I wake up, I will always remember to do my French first. But as our midnight resoultions keep failing, I think this is why the whole ritual repeats itself 365 a year. It's a row of chances and promises taken over and over again. It's a beautiful frame for all our imperfections.
Definitions of fulfillment may vary. We may think of career, family, relationships or any other ambitions that at some point seem complete. This is exactly when living in the current moment counts.
Sometimes, the most difficult thing is to grasp the fullness. It’s not that you're letting your dreams go, it’s not that you’re getting easily satisfied. It’s about reaching a certain end, where one can confess - I made it and I'm enjoying it. Permanent dissatisfaction can never lead to higher ends. The most beautiful versions of ourselves can only occur if we let the happen. They're always there waiting.
I do well know that perfection can be temporary. Life changes and imposes different circumstances, turbulence can be hurtful. Still, once we’ve recognised the state we’d call an ideal, once we cherished it, we will always find a dose of motivation to find it again.
Beautiful ends always lead to beautiful beginnings.
I often wonder what criteria we use when choosing a place to stay. Sometimes, we never leave our hometowns because all we ever wanted from life is already there. Sometimes, we keep endlessly searching for a better spot on the map. It takes a while to define.
Personally, I want to be in a place where it feels exceptionally beautiful to be an ordinary human being. One with work, friends, a small apartment and some savings for small luxuries. Not too much of an obligation to always come to expectations, to ceaselessly represent someone better, something different. Paris made me such a promise.
I sensed excitement for simple pleasures the city elevated to completely new heights, whenever I sat in a cafe, a bistro or strolled its streets. It spurred an air of mystery around my actions and decisions. Feeling like I can suddenly change my mind, shed a tear, be emotional. It justified all the irrationality, the bizarre, praised the unexpected. A city of constant change dictated by your heart.
I forgot all high ambitions, worries, doubts. Paris made me live in the current moment, as it exuded beauty everywhere you turn - from the landscapes to the way people perform their everyday duties. It is a city that makes you observe, opens up your eyes for things around. No matter the level of empathy you can reach, Paris is a place of curiosity.
Eventually, I think about the passing time. I always feel it’s not worth to decide upon one place in life, as entering new cities is so formative. You can discover things about yourself you’d never discover otherwise. Suddenly, I realise I am quite wrong. As much as we are nomads, even in the middle of a long way, we always seek a shelter to spend a safe night.
Life seems like that and Paris was my shelter.
The feelings once tasted stay there for life.
The complexity of reality can occur in many aspects. The landscapes you see, the people you meet, the food you taste. It has so many layers, we want to remember them all, yet it's so easy forget, as the incentives multiply.
The moment you experience love, it’s hard to live without it. When you understand longing, you find it beautiful to have things to miss. All times epic will endlessly remind you of the ultimate joy one can feel and the complementing excitement. The emotion has capability to haunt us, wake us in the middle of the night, make us cross the boundaries. It is a power driving our lives and as much as I know I will only get to know its small particle, I find an emotion the most comprehensive mean to explore it. Who’s a better guide than a heart, who’s more true to you than your intuition?
One of the most beautiful things about emotions is that they come in doses. Better times after hard times. Regret after love. Solitude after company. Emotions, in all their chaos and disarray, reflect the ultimate balance of life and the inevitability of its stages.
Sometimes I wonder, how much I can rely on the language of heart. It’s full of flaws and grammatical errors, it can make no sense at all. Yet, when I realise it’s probably the most genuine way to learn life, it’s the only language I want to read.