9/17/2016

the perks of being a girl



I was never a tomboy, but it has always seemed that a girl needs to come up to way too many expectations. She has to behave well, she has to be pretty. I treasure one particular memory in my mind, I was 5, maybe 6, my mum took me outside for a walk. I don’t remember the particular reason of this excursion, but what I vividly see is me wearing a dress, little pea coat and a beret. The first two I could somehow handle, but it was the headwear that I couldn’t bear. Featuring small embroidered tulips, I was taking it off while my mum persistently put it back on my head. I might have cried on that day or maybe I even yelled in exasperation. What I want to say is that on my short life’s timeline, this trivial event marked a certain beginning – a way to acceptance I will always be a girl.

Fifteen years later, there is nothing else I’d wish for. This has nothing to do with a feminist discourse, I am far from making radical statements or expressing strong opinions. Rather, I just feel it’s so much more luminous – the view of the world filtrated through a girl’s perspective. In fact, being a girl is cool for so many reasons I thought they need a proper list. Here it comes.

It’s generally accepted we can display our emotions. 
We can also talk about them.
We actually want to talk about them, analyse them and draw conclusions.
We are more likely to put pride aside.
We can be strong and sensitive at the same time.
There is nothing a girl wouldn't do for true love.
We value friendships.
We are free to wear any shade of pink if we feel like it.
We always look for someone to take care of.
And we also expect to be taken care of.
We can wear berets.
Most of our problems have been already solved by female press.
We inspired many more love songs than the opposite sex.
We have the ability to admit our weakness.
We can openly say our mums are our best friends.
We can play sports without feeling ashamed we totally suck at it.
We have girlfriends who stay overnight and can sleep under same bed sheets. 
We can act hysterical at times.
And romantic.
We can keep secrets. 
And follow the intuition.

9/11/2016

on demands and expectations

 

They say you should demand from yourself.  They say you should never expect too much. I find those two statements contradictory, still, they rule our existence.

Whenever I think about my life, I have a feeling its outcome is dependent upon my own mobilisation. How much I am willing to give of myself, how many sacrifices I can make, how hard I am ready to work. This way of thinking is treacherous though – whenever things fall apart, you tend to blame yourself. But then what terrifies me more than self-condemnation is self-satisfaction. It just seems an ultimately deterring factor standing on my way to success. Whatever this success might be.
                                                                                                                           
I often wonder how to balance the ambition, dreams, realism and logic. They seem so contrasting, yet their presence in our life is unquestionable. We enter different periods, sometimes driven by wanderlust, sometimes driven by common sense. If one should ever disappear, what our life would be? Either a survival or a tale topped with disillusionment.

You get what you give, what goes around comes around and karma. Idioms, sayings and beliefs teach us, we need to try our best. Embracing life wisdom is not easy, it’s even more difficult to put it into practice. But I start to believe that it’s good to constantly strive for a little bit more, while trying to avoid being too harsh on yourself. On one end, we have failure, it’s fine. On the other lays success, this one is cool. Everything in between is life lessons. So formative. Somehow, I think they are the best of all.  

9/09/2016

what makes me happy at times


a feeling of being rebellious/writing when the words come my way/harnessing fears/small coffees/sparkling drinks/croissants/and chocolate/croissants with chocolate/and almonds too/vinyl shopping/buying books and arranging them on shelves/remembering things/discovering new authors/coming across quotes I relate to/buying postcards/prosecco/travelling/hotels with pools/holding hands/cold showers on hot days/rain seen from the window/creating imaginary soundtracks/narrow streets of small mediterranean towns/when the plane prepares for landing and you know you will reach the destination soon/rooftops/hanging around until the sun comes up/sunsets/saying that i cannot do something but finally doing it and feeling secretly proud/industrial landscapes/paris/ordering a bottle of wine in a restaurant/cheese with cassis jam/watching french films/jazz/funk/rock/indie/electro/almost any type of music as long as it's good/almost any type of live music as long as it comes from the heart/first days of summer/wrapping christmas gifts/planning how i will spend money in the future/buying flowers/small vases/beautiful ceramics/people who make an effort to truly discover your mind/floating on the sea while the sun shines into your face/sleeping with windows open/the evenings when you know you're so tired you'll fall asleep the second your head touches the pillow/watching lost in translation for a thousand time/and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind/the lyrics of james taylor/romantic gestures/realising you are quite old-fashioned at heart/the jokes of mac demarco/being alone when you need it/cycling at dusk/forests/perfumes with intriguing smells/whole days planned with mom/true friendships/hard work/people who can listen/projecting the future/walking down the street listening to music and imagining you are playing in the movie/dancing and forgetting oneself/eating ice cubes/nutella/speaking french/collecting magazines/reading at cafes/reading on the metro/reassuring moments when you realise no one is really normal/curiosity/meeting with friends on fridays after work/vintage shopping/floral patterns/summer dresses/challenges/dreams/starting new things/the fact that the future is unknown/smiling to oneself when remembering something nice/snow/playing scrabble/when you realise all previous experiences led you exactly to the point you are now and nothings was a coincidence/instagramming pictures of beautiful places/coming back home after a long time/the moment at the airport just before crossing the arrival gates when you know you are about to see your family/people with sense of humour/trusting myself/candles/making fashion investments/driving the car at night/receiving letters/spontaneity/making lists

PS In comparisoin to compiling a 'what makes me sad at times' list, this one was way much easier to do. Does it mean I am happy?

9/04/2016

seasons



I never liked the question about my favourite season. The further winter is from me, the more I miss it. The distance of summer days sparks longing for bright, warm nights. Autumn may not be here yet, but I feel it. I remember the smell of young trees in June, a colour of sun-touched skin, the awakenings and opening the window where the world appeared green and yellow –the colours my memory has kept. Now, every morning carries a breeze. It’s a breeze of fading leaves and a call of first winds.

I moved to Paris a year ago and the automnal image of the city is the one I carry in my mind. Somehow, it feels more familiar. The noise of children playing in school’s backyards, they just got back from holiday. The sun lighting up Haussmann’s architecture is not so vague, but rather orange, shimmering gold. The Pere-Lachaise and stacks of brown leaves. Baguettes fresh from the ovens warming up my hands.

Sometimes all we have is a collection of images inside our heads that we can stick to. I feel this is how we approach seasons. We temember each in a unique way, each carries a meaning and a recollection of a life once lived. How was the sky outside and what were the sounds like on this exact moment you were walking down those beautiful or hideous streets with heart full of feeling towards people you miss. A relation between time-the surroundings-the feeling-the mindset is a very strong one, creating attachments to things as little as the particular sunlight or the specific smell of the ground. If anyone thinks it’s a question of sensitivty, he’d rather dig deep into one’s mind. I believe everyone can find those links.

9/01/2016

wishes are memories coming from our future



In ‘Letters on Life’, Rainer Maria Rilke shared this thought with a reader. This not the type of quote that offers salvation, in fact, it may not strike you at all. Your eyes can easily pass it by, following the stream of sentences, all smart and filled with unusual sensitivity.

I didn’t realise how simple it is. I stopped reading and analysed each word separately to find the logic. A wish (something I hope for) is a memory (is it possible?) coming (not yet here) from my future (the unknown). I put the sentence together once again to fully grasp its wisdom. Things I hope for are visualisations of things that will appear in my future, as they are all within my reach. This utopian message seemed too good to come from Rilke, who believed that humility in front of life is one the greatest human traits.

I began to wonder what is a difference between a wish and potential? How can we turn it into the future and can we ever suppose we are not capable enough to put ideas into action? How to measure what is realistic and what is just a vague, diaphanous dream? How terrifying this dilemma actually is, pushing us to admit own weakness and filter them through the blurry landscapes of own fate, undefined circumstances that one day will become the future. This way of thinking can discourage the biggest enthusiast, magnify the fears and leave one trembling that soon he’ll be a victim of own expectations.

Rilke stirred some hopes, so I thought I’ll approach his words as a hypothesis, a possibility. Although it provoked certain optimism, I cannot rely solely on things that have not been proved by an example of my own life. In the end, each existence is an individual case study. I just decided to do everything I can to make things work on all levels, from career to self-development, from emotions to physical strength. We all wish that by doing our best, we’ll avoid regret. A future devoid of regret sounds pretty good to me.